Relationships in Reflection

Are you content with your relationships? Are your core values reflected in your relationships you have acquired over the years as well as recently? When it comes to needing a supportive friend, who do you call? And when someone calls you for support, are you available and know just the right thing to do.

Whether seeking support or your friend asking for support, we all must resist the urge to say “This is what you need to do.” A friend calls more to gain a listening ear and caring heart than anything else. So, when my first instinct is to try to fix them or critique the situation, I have to zip my lip and let my friend begin the conversation in a safe, judgment-free-zone. Isn’t that what we all really want and need?

Each of us has a particular perspective on what is the “right thing” to say or do, and it really depends on what kind of relationship we have with our friend…more of an acquaintance, co-worker, new friend, close friend, sister, daughter, uncle, husband or wife. We also need to remember that this isn’t about us. It’s all about our friend. This perspective is even more valuable and tricky when your friend asks for your advice.

Another temptation when hearing the first part of the story from a friend is to either shut down or focus on a response, even before the whole story is heard. It is obvious then we are not really listening and often miss those important clues.

With all relationships, the journey can be a smooth sail, a little bumpy one, a roller coaster ride, or a fast careening dive from the skies. The journey involves every facet of life whether at home, work, throughout our childhood and adult years. When we choose a friend, even a spouse, our core values provide us with the foundation for choosing those relationships. Our core values are then reflected in the life we live. Therefore, all relationships should help us live our daily lives in synergy and balance.

When having a hard day, talking with a friend about our feelings may be all it takes to reduce the stress and experience a welcomed connection and sense of wellbeing provided no other way. Being genuinely listened to and understood have a profound impact on a friend and yourself. Here are a few things offered by Elizabeth Scott, M.S, wellness coach with training in counseling . . . to remember when friends are talking about things that stress or upset them:

• Ask them about their feelings, and listen.
• Reflect back what you hear, so they know you really understand.
• Instead of always trying to tie the conversation back to your experiences, focus questions on them and their feelings.
• When they’re talking, are you missing some of what they say because you’re waiting for them to stop talking so you can say what you want to say next? Stop, and really listen to them.

Consider your answer to these questions as clues when you call your friend for support:

• Does the conversation flow easily, or is it forced?
• Do you feel they truly understand, accept and support you?
• Do you feel you truly understand, accept and support them?
• Do you feel better or worse about yourself when you’re with them?
• Do you leave them feeling energized or mildly depressed?
• Do you include them in your life for positive qualities they have, or just to have more people in your life?

As Scott suggests in her About.com article, Social Support - How to Create Truly Supportive Friendships, you just might need to let go of some friends. “Not everyone is an appropriate match. If there’s someone in your life who makes you feel bad about yourself, doesn’t share any of your interests or values, or is someone that you just don’t mesh well with, it’s perfectly acceptable to put that relationship on the back burner, let it fade altogether, or not develop it in the first place.”

 

Yet, before you let go of that friend, do some internal inventory on why you feel bad about yourself to discover if there is some measure of truth in what is being shared that you may be resisting and thereby experience those bad feelings that do not necessarily come from what or the way it was said. This is not always an easy exercise, but will give you solace if you then decide to say goodbye to that friend.

 

In addition, people do change and move on in their lives in different directions. “Conversely, if you’d like to keep them in your life out of loyalty, albeit in a periphery role, that’s OK, too. However, it would be beneficial to remember not to count on them for support, if they’re not able to give it to you.”

 

The choice to say goodbye or nurture the friendship further is yours. Just keep your core values handy to size up whether that friendship really does reflect your life values or tempt you to drift from them. In the end, we all know it is important to have several people to count on for support in life. So, as you consider your relationships in reflection, by all means call those special friends who have made all the difference in your life. Call them to just say thank you for the honor of having them as a friend.